Onegin Parodies
Amanda Muise
Eugene Onegin as observed at the typical public high school
I.
Eugene is coming through the lobby
Of O.H.S. at half-past ten.
Of sleeping in he’s made a hobby;
He’s late for classes yet again.
He stumbles into French, disrupting
The lesson plan and interrupting
Classmate Tatyana as she speaks
Of Marjolaine and Frederique.
He finds his desk, unpacks his things,
Pulls off his jacket, makes more noise.
He whispers to the other boys,
And fumbles with his sweatshirt strings.
The teacher glares and mutters softly
And Gene sits still and sips his coffee.
II.
He goes to school to suit his father
And not because he wants to learn.
In fact, he’d just as soon not bother,
To go and sit and talk in turn.
He doesn’t say much new; instead
Repeats ideas that he’s heard said
And counts the hours ’til Friday night,
The time he’s truly erudite.
His outfit he will contemplate,
He’ll shave his face, slap on cologne,
To spend a weekend all alone
To him seems like a dire fate.
In bleached-out hair and polo shirts,
He’s only artful when he flirts.
III.
And so at once we find our hero
On the town, his head held high.
Scholastically, he’s but a zero,
And socially, a butterfly.
But looking closely, we might see
A touch of spleen, of grim ennui.
(You’ll notice Tanya seems distracted;
To Onegin she is quite attracted.
When he appears, then she falls mute,
Affects disinterest, inside pines:
And though Onegin shows no signs,
He thinks Tatanya’s kind of cute.)
He finds the high school scene a bore,
And wishes there were something more.
IV.
Tatanya, growing sick of waiting
For Gene to notice she exists,
And look her way, has started dating
A budding pharmacologist.
(Not much on looks, not much on passion,
He’s good for her, after a fashion.)
Gene thinks of Tanya more and more,
And one day turns up at her door.
(I’ve found that this is oft the case,
That love is found and love is lost,
And conflicts rise and paths are crossed,
And things get tangled in the chase.)
To come around Gene was too slow,
And Tanya has to tell him no.